Just Breathe
by Joani
Summary: After Faith closed the door.
1. Breathing

Title: Breathing Series: Just Breathe Author: Joani Rating: PG-13 Spoiler: 'Closing In' (aired Apr. 21, 2003) Disclaimer: The author (having tried all sarcastic avenues to express this) does not own Third Watch, the ideas of Third Watch, or the characters of Third Watch. But don't tell her that, you might break her. ***  
  
Faith closed the door in his face and took in a deep breath. Leaned her forehead against the door and let it out. Just breathe, she reminded herself.  
  
Behind her, Fred moved away from the wall, gave her shoulder a pat and went into the kitchen.  
  
She had done it. She had gotten rid of Bosco, washed her hands of him, told him never to darken her doorstep again.  
  
It should feel liberating, Faith thought. But she just felt three thousand different kinds of crap right now.  
  
It wasn't that she had told him to go away.  
  
Nor was it that she had told someone to fix his own problems - if there were an accounting of how many people she wished would go do that, then she would have the gold medal.  
  
Faith heard Fred rustling around in the kitchen, the clink of two cups being set on the counter, the filling of the kettle, the placing of it carefully onto the heating coil.  
  
He was going to give her tea and sympathy, she realized. Fred was going to pat her on the shoulder and let her cry it out. Let her justify how he felt about Bosco. Tell her that she had done the right thing.  
  
That wasn't right, Faith suddenly thought, and felt disgusted with herself. She had turned down a friend, no matter how much of an asshole he could be, a friend who had quite clearly asked for her help. A friend who had held her through thick and thin.  
  
She felt her skin crawling, and thought her heart and her mind were crawling with it. What kind of heartless person was she? What kind of cop?  
  
Straightening her shoulders, Faith opened the door and stepped out into the hallway. She should hear him out.  
  
The hallway, however, was empty. No wry, sarcastic little twist-of-the-lips that wasn't quite a smile, no desperate need in his eyes that she had seen before she had shut the door.  
  
Bosco was gone.  
  
Wouldn't that figure? she thought to herself. A sense of disappointment overlapped the feeling of shame, one sickening oily feeling over another.  
  
But she'd see him at work tomorrow, right? Right, she told herself. She'd always see him tomorrow. She could listen to him and his problems then. 


	2. So Fragile

Title: So Fragile Series: Just Breathe Author: Joani Rating: PG-13 Spoiler: 'Closing In' (aired Apr. 21, 2003) Disclaimer: The author (having tried all sarcastic avenues to express this) does not own Third Watch, the ideas of Third Watch, or the characters of Third Watch. But don't tell her that, you might break her. ***  
  
There was no tomorrow.  
  
Faith heard that as soon as she walked in.  
  
"You heard about Boscorelli?" Gusler yelled to Faith as she came into the change room.  
  
"No, what?" she said, looking around for him.  
  
"He's down."  
  
Faith's heart went to China.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Yeah, got shot going into a druggie's. He and Cruz."  
  
Faith couldn't move. She could swear that she couldn't even hear her heartbeat. The only thing she could think was that she had lost her chance to listen.  
  
"They were using some kind of armor-piercing bullets."  
  
Faith wanted to die.  
  
"But he's in ICU at Mercy, and the doctors think there's a chance he'll make it."  
  
Faith faintly heard her new partner whip the garbage pail around, which was fortunate, because Faith lost what she'd had for lunch.  
  
Her new partner watched her with wise, mother-y eyes, "You'd better go, Faith," the young woman said, "I'll tell the Sarge."  
  
***  
  
Someone must have driven her, later, because she had no memory of getting to Our Lady of Mercy hospital.  
  
In a moment of lucidity, waiting out on the plastic chairs, waiting, Faith espied the name over a statue of the Virgin Mary, arms open to welcome anyone. If the Lady was so merciful, Faith thought, she'd let Bosco live, so Faith could hear his woes and tell him she was sorry that she hadn't before.  
  
She'd let Bosco live.  
  
Oh God, she suddenly thought, Bosco might be dying. Her throat closed up, and her eyes watered until all she could focus on were the open arms of the Lady, and her kind face offering unconditional love.  
  
Someone brought her a cup of coffee. Sat down next to her and rubbed her back. Didn't say anything until she took the Styrofoam cup, and sipped. Tasted like swill.  
  
She looked up into Ty's kind brown eyes. Saw herself reflected there, looking faint and lost.  
  
"They say Cruz didn't make it. The armor-piercers got her in the heart."  
  
A faint part of Faith thought that a pity, because she would love to kill the bitch herself.  
  
"Bosco's out of surgery, though. Had to fix his shoulder and his stomach. Took out a good chunk of intestine, but they think he'll pull through."  
  
Ty's voice saying those last words was something akin to water pouring over a sponge.  
  
"He'll live?"  
  
It was almost too much to hope for, for Faith, because she suddenly felt like the sun was shining on her again. The hope was so fragile, that she thought if she accepted it, it would break, and she'd find it all to be a lie, and there would be nothing but despair now.  
  
Ty nodded, "The docs think so."  
  
"C - can I see him?"  
  
"Yes, Faith, you may." A new voice broke into the conversation. Faith looked up into Rose's teary, compassionate eyes. The older woman turned to the doctor next to her, "She's his sister, so let her in."  
  
The doctor was an old hat, well used to the tricks of the trade, and nodded. "Follow me, ma'am."  
  
Faith almost couldn't stand up, her knees were so weak. Ty's steadying hand was shrugged off when she felt she was stable.  
  
"You going to be alright, ma'am?" the doctor asked her.  
  
Faith looked up at him and gave him a tremulous smile, and said, "I'm fine," though it was a lie. 


	3. Fading to Awake

Title: Fading to Awake Series: Just Breathe Author: Joani Rating: PG-13 Spoiler: 'Closing In' (aired Apr. 21, 2003) Disclaimer: The author (having tried all sarcastic avenues to express this) does not own Third Watch, the ideas of Third Watch, or the characters of Third Watch. But don't tell her that, you might break her. ***  
  
There was a faint sound, he thought, steady and constant.  
  
He hated that sound. It wouldn't go away.  
  
Around him was cold nothingness. He liked that, because it was uncomplicated. It was simply nothing, there was no other way to consider it.  
  
He might have been floating in it, or maybe he was laying on it.  
  
Yeah, that was the name for the position. Laying. He felt something brushing over his hand, warm but faint, and he wanted more of it. He strained for it, but he couldn't feel anything but the faint wisp of tentative caress.  
  
He concentrated on that feeling, and it started to feel more solid, more real. It wasn't much of a pressure, more like it was all around his hand.  
  
That was weird.  
  
The beeping was still there, but he heard other things. A voice, soft and raspy, as if the speaker was unsure of the words to say, or if the speaker had been crying. It was a low, melodious voice, and it faded in and out.  
  
He wished the beep would stop, because it interrupted that voice. He wanted to hear more of it, because it felt like warm and trust, like a blanket wrapped around him, or warm water, washing him clean head to toe.  
  
Then, he smelled it. It smelled funky, like old person, powder, and antiseptics embraced in one. Like nurseries or old people homes...  
  
Though it was fuzzy, he managed to connect the smell, the cold, and the beeps. Fuck, he hated hospitals.  
  
For a while, he forgot the warmth around his hand and the voice, thinking about how much he hated hospitals.  
  
Then he started to remember it, and he thought while it was a good thing he was remembering, he didn't know where the warmth had gone, and the voice was silenced.  
  
Suddenly, the cold nothing was no longer enough for him. He wanted to cry out, but he couldn't move his mouth to yell. He wanted to move, but his body was unresponsive to command.  
  
This was completely unsatisfying, and he became frustrated when his body wouldn't move, no matter what he told it.  
  
He got tired, and felt his strength fading, to the sound of those fucking beeps. 


	4. Heaven Perfect

Faith leaned back against the chair and watched the sky.  
  
It was the perfect night for sky-watching. Clear, crisp, and up here on the roof of the hospital, she could even detect a whiff of fresh air, so rare and odd in New York City that she had to savour it, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath.  
  
For that one moment, she could taste a little bit of Heaven, clean and wonderful. So very different from her life, which was starting to look like a little bit of Hell.  
  
With the clean air came a feeling, and Faith had to open her eyes to grasp it fully, focusing on the speckles of stars so far above. It was a feeling she hadn't felt in so long, not since the last time she'd climbed up so high to see everything.  
  
A feeling of vastness, but belonging. That she was a member of something, some elite club that was so unknown to others. An awareness. That, from the stars, someone was giving her the secret handshake.  
  
Faith smiled a little. It was an empowering feeling, this knowledge, but the last time she'd felt this, she had been sixteen, and Fred had been grounded. She'd gone up to their secret place, alone, and waited for him.  
  
He hadn't shown up, but she came home, feeling elated that now, she wasn't just the Faith her family had defined her as. She was Faith, who she could define. She hadn't even minded when he told her he couldn't see her for a while.  
  
The sweet tang of fresh air caught her nose again, and she breathed it in again. That smell could heal anything, she thought wistfully, after being trapped in the city for so long. It wasn't a healing of the body, it was spiritual. A promise of fresh, new, opportunity.  
  
Faith considered Bosco. He was old, known, familiar. But every day, he proved to be new, unpredictable, interesting.  
  
She knew how he'd react in most situations. But sometimes he could surprise her. He had a quality of the unknown, kind of like the unknown she was sitting in, surrounded by right now.  
  
He was like a member of that unknown, and every look was a secret handshake, every word a code.  
  
He was old, but he was new at the same time.  
  
Faith shook her head at herself, and looked back up at the stars. There was a cloud starting to infringe on her scenery, and Faith mentally batted at it with mild irritation. That was a known entity, nothing new to her.  
  
Like Fred.  
  
Fred and clouds were familiar. To her mind, to the sky above, to her outlook. she could probably say it was freddy outside, instead of cloudy, and it would mean the same thing.  
  
Familiarity is said to breed quite a few things. Comfort, Faith acknowledged right away. Fred was comfort food. A bit fatty, and probably not good for you if you had too much.  
  
Bosco was a few different food groups. Healthy, because he kept you on your toes but also coffee, because too much could give you an ulcer.  
  
Faith snickered quietly, and blinked, because the sparkles were getting blurry. But she felt her stomach growl, and sighed. She hadn't eaten since before work, and now it was midnight, and all she'd had was a cup of hospital questionable liquid.  
  
As Faith rose, she smelled and felt a wisp of air curling around her shoulders, teasing through her hair, and tickling her ears.  
  
She turned the handle on the door, and tossed a thanks over her shoulder to the silent sky.  
  
After all, the stars would understand. Bosco was theirs too. 


End file.
